The promise of gratitude.
While not a new concept, gratitude has become a growing trend over the last few years, even making its way into psychotherapy. The reason for that is clear: gratitude can shift the focus of our perception, guiding our attention from the endless grievances in our lives to our blessings.
That shift can be incredibly powerful, because the human mind has the tendency to focus on negative things: lack, threats, worries. And while that tendency can quickly become pathological, we also have to acknowledge the fact that, to some extent, this is just how we are wired.
Evolution has prepped our little monkey brains to spend more time thinking about the snake in the grass than that juicy little bug in the tree. Sadly, the odds of survival were always on the side of the anxious monkey, and you are her legacy.
But the beautiful thing is that our modern monkey brains can decide more intently where to put our focus than our prehistoric ancestors ever were able to do.
Someone who struggles with depression and a lack of self-esteem can open up their mind to the positive aspects of their lives and the hidden strength of their character. And while that might not instantly heal any of those afflictions, it can definitely alleviate their suffering and prime them for a healthier state of mind.
The beauty of finding gratitude in the mundane.
The first time I gave gratitude a spin was many years ago, when I started behavioral therapy. I had a daily journal in which I would document the trajectory of my debilitating depression and challenged myself to also put down some things every day that I was grateful for.
During that time, my life was very small and a little bleak. That’s why I was surprised that, even in the dark, negative headspace of my depression, I would find little things I was grateful for: enjoying a cup of green tea, having found the energy to finally do the dishes, or a full night’s rest.
Though I stopped journaling after finishing therapy, the old habit still lingers, helping me find appreciation for the small sources of beauty in my life. Today, so many years later, I still find myself being grateful for a dry, warm bed on a cold, stormy night, genuinely getting a kick out of the comfort of having a place to stay at night.
Or I lie there smiling before I fall asleep, happy to hear my dog snoring, grateful to have experienced another day with her by my side, feeling honestly proud for having kept her healthy and happy.
Because, let’s face it. Everyone who’s been through hardship (or anyone who watches the news, really) knows that we can’t take those things for granted. And enjoying our little blessings while we have them might nip so many foul feelings in the bud.
Why gratitude doesn’t work if you feel pressured.
Like any good thing, there is also a flip side to gratitude. The public perception and discussion around gratitude often come with a sense of obligation and pressure. We HAVE to be grateful. We HAVE to count our blessings. We CANNOT be unhappy when our lives are so full of things that other people lack.
And that’s where we run into issues. If you tell me I have to do or feel something? Guess what happens? I build resistance and resentment. If you told me I have to like chocolate cake, I’d probably start hating that, too.
We’re not helping anybody if we shame people who cannot find gratitude in their experiences or who express unhappiness despite their full bellies, despite them having a stable health and a well-paying job.
Not every state of dissatisfaction can be remedied with a thought about how comfy our beds are or how much we like our coffee in the morning. And it can make unhappy people even more unhappy if we invalidate their feelings by prescribing them gratitude where they might have just needed a friend to vent to.
When toxic gratitude becomes emotional bypassing.
Even worse than trying to shame other people into being happier than they actually are is when we do it to ourselves. We reduce the complexities of our struggles and our emotions to an isolated problem with a singular solution. And only now, while I’m writing this, do I notice that I did that to myself, recently.
For a couple of months now, I’ve been struggling with my day job. That job is well-paid, there is little pressure, not much to do, no commute, no office drama, no meetings. Perfect on the outside. Something to be grateful for. And I am. But I am also miserable.
Yeah, there might be no deadline pressure due to a low workload, but the fact that the company I work for barely makes use of my skills and talents leaves me feeling incredibly unappreciated and disoriented.
And even though I still get paid in full when I don’t have things to do, this situation still fills me with a low-grade anxiety, worrying when my boss might realize they might not really need me all that much.
Instead of realizing that this cushy job isn’t really all that cushy, I told myself that I need to be grateful. People would kill to have a job like this! A job that doesn’t burn you out? Where nobody cares whether you work or watch Netflix? And you think about leaving? Are you insane?
No, I’m not insane. I’m grateful for the financial stability and freedom this job brings me while still acknowledging that I am deeply unhappy, validating my need for a new work environment that gives me more structure, creative stimulation, and career opportunities.
As you begin to count your blessings, it is vital to distinguish between genuine appreciation and emotional avoidance. Gratitude is a supplement for a well-lived life, not a substitute for addressing unmet fundamental needs or systemic problems.
Do not use toxic gratitude to overwrite your anger.
Anger has a terrible reputation, especially in self-help spaces, but anger is often the first honest signal that something is wrong. It tells us a boundary has been crossed, a need has been ignored, or a situation has become unjust or unsustainable.
When we rush to overwrite that signal with gratitude—at least I have a job, others have it worse, I should be thankful this isn’t harder—we don’t transcend anger, we suppress it. And suppressed anger doesn’t dissolve into serenity; it turns inward, developing into exhaustion, numbness, shame, or quiet resentment.
Gratitude, when misused, can make us passive where we should be responsive. It can keep us tolerating conditions that slowly erode our sense of agency and dignity. Anger can be the energy that mobilizes change—the force that helps you renegotiate, leave, speak up, or demand more from your life.
If you ask me, gratitude is the prerequisite to true happiness and joy, the antidote to the ever-present ailment of FOMO, but it should never be used to anesthetize your instincts.
A life of appreciation is not one where anger never arises, but one where all emotions are listened to, understood, and then consciously acted upon rather than prematurely muffled by a gag of fake gratitude.
A lack of gratitude is a better teacher than gratitude itself.
Creating a gratitude practice by starting a journal, checking in with an app, or by becoming more mindful in your daily life is an incredibly worthwhile experience. But, as always, I want to invite you to approach this new endeavor with honesty and curiosity.
Be a little scientist on a mission to explore this new ground and not a narrow-minded preacher with a spiritual agenda.
When you write down in your journal that you’re grateful for that cup of coffee you just had, and it makes you want to throw it up instantly, don’t judge. Take note, validate the feeling, and then explore it.
Has life just made you too cynical to appreciate simple joys? Has the pressure of this world, which requires you to aim for great achievements and endless happiness, made the quiet pleasure of your morning coffee a little too dull to appreciate?
Or does the icky feeling in your stomach point to an unmet need that makes gratitude for something mundane a mockery of your suffering?
By approaching the feelings that come bubbling up with curiosity, gratitude can be a great tool of reflection and reconnection, even if the experience is woefully unpleasant. Don’t override the discomfort or throw away the gratitude journal on day three.
Even a lack of gratitude can be a great teacher, which can guide you to tend to the sore spots in your soul, tackle unmet needs, and reflect on the misalignments in your life.
Your resistance is not a failure of character. It’s information, and it deserves your attention.